In our modern world, we’ve achieved unprecedented levels of personal autonomy. With decreasing institutional religions (like the church), increasing equal rights, and technological advancements, we can make more independent choices than ever before. However, this newfound autonomy comes with a downside…

William von Hippel argues in his book “The Social Paradox“, that humans have two competing psychological needs: autonomy and connection. Whereas autonomy is about the desire to develop personal skills and make independent choices, connection is about the need to bond with others for mutual protection and survival. For millions of years, these existed in a delicate balance. In the time of gatherers/hunters, we had to compromise; if the group wanted to move on, you had to as well because your survival depended on it. The stakes to belong and be accepted were high; they were directly correlated to your chances of survival. On the other hand, our autonomy meant that we cultivated skills that would make us valuable to the group. They were both essential. Today, autonomy takes center stage, however, social connections are being diminished.

What drives our autonomous lives?
One of the biggest explanations for this is that we live more individual lives. Whereas one’s position in society has long depended on the groups you belonged to, today, we place a lot of focus on the individual and your own ability to craft your path to success. In our meritocratic Western society, we believe that it’s a person’s own ability and talents that count in order to make it.

This focus on the individual is further amplified by tech innovations that allow us to do whatever we want by ourselves. If you want to know the way, you ask Google Maps. If you want food, you order it and have it delivered to your doorstep. If you want to learn a language, you turn on Duolingo. And for sex, you turn yourself on by watching whatever turns you on. If we still want to socialize, we can of course, but it has lost its necessity.

An analysis in the Financial Times found that between 2010 and 2023, there has been a sharp increase in the time we spend alone. Especially young people exhibit social behavior that typically doesn’t match their age group: “People in their teens and twenties now hang out about as much as someone 10 years older than them did in the past.”

We increasingly live more solitary lives, in which we voluntarily choose to spend time alone. However, we still highly depend on others to live happy, healthy, and meaningful lives.

The need for connection played a central role in human evolution, enabling us to cooperate to solve problems that we were too small, weak, or ignorant to solve on our own. Hunter-gatherers who couldn’t see the need for connection soon became lion chow. As a result, their tendency to go it alone was largely removed from the gene pool, and their remains served as a vivid reminder to the folks back home that survival requires connection. Genes pushed our ancestors to connect, cultural rules demanded connection, parental socialization reinforced the message, and daily life reminded them that they couldn’t live without it.

“When we work together, offer or seek advice, attend a party, sit side by side with a friend while studying or watching a movie, or even smile when we meet the eye of a stranger, we feel the imperative of connection. When we bask in the comfort and camaraderie of old friends, we’re feeling the product of six million years of evolution.”

The irony is that while we’ve optimized our lives for individual achievement, we’ve neglected our deep-rooted need for connection. Our ancestors evolved to cooperate and form social bonds for survival. This need for connection remains fundamental to our life satisfaction and longevity.

To rebalance our lives, von Hippel suggests incorporating connection into our routines with minimal friction:

• Social multitasking: Combine solitary activities with social interaction. He mentions doing the New York Times crossword puzzles with his sister, who lives far away. They call each other and chat while doing the puzzle simultaneously.
  
  
• Habit formation: Create routines that include regular socializing. Think of the rituals you have throughout the day, and how you can add a socializing aspect to that. Like calling someone after dinner when you go for a short walk.
  
  
• Shared goals: Partner with friends on lifestyle or self-improvement objectives. For example, taking an online course together with a friend.

How can your brand or organization facilitate social multitasking, habit formation, and enable shared goal pursuit? By consciously seeking balance between autonomy and connection, we can harness the benefits of modern life while nurturing the relationships that truly make us human. As von Hippel reminds us, “Just because the modern world allows us to live a certain way doesn’t mean it makes us happy.”