Expectations of marriage today are radically different from those of the past. In the early 1800s what many people primarily sought in a spouse was the fulfillment of basic needs: like food, shelter, security. Of course, people often preferred to love their spouse, and if the sex was good, that was terrific. But they didn’t step to the altar saying: “I marry you because you complete me.”

Today, we often expect our partner to be everything: lover, best friend, co-parent, therapist, adventure companion, emotional safe space, and the person who helps us grow into the best version of ourselves. Two major shifts in society drove this transformation.

From agricultural communities to industrialization and urbanization
Industrialization and later urbanization reshaped work and family life. For the first time on a large scale, young adults could leave their hometowns, earn wages, and become geographically and financially less dependent on their parents and extended family networks. Marriage became less about survival and more about personal choice, especially in societies where material security became more attainable.

From stability to self-acutalization
With growing wealth and welfare, our most fundamental needs were increasingly secured. This created space to focus on higher-order needs. According to humanistic psychology, especially Abraham Maslow, human needs are structured in a hierarchy, ranging from physiological survival and safety, to love and belonging, to esteem, and all the way to self-actualisation. Only when basic needs are sufficiently met do people reliably seek fulfilment at these higher psychological levels.

Marriage came to be seen not only as a source of love and belonging but also as a vehicle for esteem, authenticity, and self-actualization.

The all-or-nothing marriage
This shift has made connection both more difficult but also if we succeed also way more fulfilling. Psychologist Eli Finkel describes in his concept of the “all-or-nothing marriage” we have created an era that affords the possibility of a level of intimacy and psychological connection that was rare in earlier periods, because people couldn’t aim for the top of Maslow’s hierarchy. This shift places many couples at greater risk of disappointment. Higher-order needs are more demanding, more abstract, and more vulnerable to frustration. Although it has become harder to truly connect with someone at that level, when we succeed the benefits are significant. 

What does this mean to brands and organizations

Romantic love and marriage remain central organizing forces in people’s lives. We invest enormous emotional, psychological, and practical energy into making them work. How we approach romantic relationships reflects how we design our lives more broadly, what we believe a good life looks like, what we hope to develop in ourselves, and what we expect others to help us achieve.

If our needs in life have shifted from survival to self-actualization, our needs in love have followed the same trajectory. When expectations in our most intimate relationships evolve they reshape how we live, choose, and consume. What role can your brand play in acknowledging and enabling the kind of life and relationship people are trying to build today?