The holidays are here, and with that comes the annual hunt for gifts. Whether for a loved one or even that one colleague you drew in the office for secret santa, finding the right gift can feel as daunting as assembling IKEA furniture with your loved one. Why does it have to be this hard?

While consumerism demands that we manifest love through purchases, gift cards become tokens of laziness or apparent unwillingness to put in the work to hunt down a gift; appropriately priced but not a piece of junk, made by a small business owner but also available. As Anne Helen Petersen puts it in Culture Study, gift guides—especially the hyper-specific ones we are seeing this year—should, in theory, make things easier. But instead, it exacerbates it. Because now there are no excuses. 

But what if the way we approach gift-giving is all wrong? Research suggests that giving great gifts is about perspective. 

Why giving the perfect gift is so hard

“Gifts are a delicate area,” explains Jeff Galak, a researcher at Carnegie Mellon University who studies the psychology of gift-giving. According to Galak, gift-givers often try to bundle up their emotions and relationships into a single item, walking a fine line between practicality and sentimentality. “There’s a very thin line between what someone wants and what they need, or what they deserve versus what they’d actually use,” Galak says.

The pressure to strike this balance often leads to what he calls “selfish giving”—choosing gifts that reflect the giver’s own identity or preferences rather than the recipient’s. We want to signal creativity, thoughtfulness, or taste, but in doing so, we can also miss the mark entirely with our gift. 

Getting over ourselves

The key to better gift-giving, says Galak, is simple: stop focusing on yourself. While we may think of gift-giving as a way to make someone else happy, the truth is that selfish motivations can creep in. Sometimes, we choose gifts to reinforce our own self-image as a thoughtful or creative person. And while it’s tempting to believe that expensive or prestigious gifts bring the most joy, research suggests otherwise.

“One of the big findings in this literature is that the cost of a gift is not nearly as predictive of the recipient’s happiness as people tend to think,” Galak notes. The real value lies in how well a gift aligns with the recipient’s needs and preferences, not its price tag.

Think of thoughtful utility

So, what’s the secret to giving a gift that someone will cherish? The answer is surprisingly simple: ask them. “The best way to find out what’s happening in someone else’s mind is to ask them,” Galak advises. While surprises can be delightful, they’re often less effective than gifts chosen with direct input from the recipient.

Great gifts hit the sweet spot between thoughtfulness and utility. They’re items that the recipient didn’t know they needed but now can’t live without. You should actually think less about impressing someone with creativity and more about making their life easier, happier, or more meaningful. Sometimes, that might mean setting your ego aside and giving a blender, or think of mixing both utilitarian and a hedonistic gift.

Although it might seem very stressful, giving gifts to others makes us feel better about ourselves than when we receive gifts. Research has shown that gift-giving activates regions of the brain associated with pleasure, social connection, and trust, creating a “warm glow” effect, it releases oxytocin. The act of giving can lead to sustained positive feelings, unlike the brief dopamine response typically associated with receiving rewards. So keep in mind that whatever you’re about to give to anyone, in the end, you are also doing it a bit for yourself