8 Expert tips for managing heated conversations during Christmas dinner

Christmas is, for many, the only time of the year they feel compelled to sit together with a large family around the dining table. Although conversations often start innocently, with small talk about the weather and the food on the “gourmet schotel” (a specific “culinary” tradition in the Netherlands that involves a social dining experience where participants cook their own food at the table using small pans or a grill), we manage to spiral them down into heated discussions around politics.

What causes our conversations to escalate into heated arguments?

Psychologist Kurt Gray emphasizes that much of the anger and conflict seen around politics stems from a deep-seated sense of threat. People often perceive opposing views as not just different but as direct threats to their values and way of life. This perception can lead to viewing opponents as villains rather than fellow humans, making constructive dialogue extremely difficult.

However, there are ways to manage these and even turn them into meaningful conversations. We looked into the insights shared by psychotherapist Esther Perel, historian, and philosopher Yuval Noah Harari, sociologist Roy Kemmers, who researches the motivations of disengaged voters and supporters of the Dutch party PVV, and Bart Brandsma, an expert in depolarization and wrote down these 7 tips based on what they’ve been researching on how to communicate around polarizing topics.

Ready?

1. Assume good intent
Approach conversations with the belief that family members, even those with opposing views, are not inherently unreasonable. This mindset fosters curiosity and openness rather than defensiveness.

2. Focus on connection over being right
Consider whether you want to be right or maintain relationships. Prioritize connection and understanding over winning an argument.

3. Stay curious
Instead of preparing counterarguments, approach conversations with curiosity about others’ perspectives. Curiosity is important in relationships; applying this during family discussions can lead to deeper understanding.

4. Deactivate your alarm system
Recognize your emotional responses and calm yourself before engaging. It’s important to stay present and grounded, as this allows us for more constructive dialogue instead of reacting impulsively.

5. Ask about their background
Shift the focus from opinions to personal experiences by asking questions like, “What experiences shaped your views?” Understanding the stories behind people’s beliefs helps create empathy and connection.

6. Create space for the silent majority
Encouraging quieter family members to share their thoughts, recognize that many may feel ambivalent about contentious topics. This inclusivity can help balance the conversation and allow for diverse perspectives.

7. Make room for complexity
Acknowledge that people hold multifaceted views shaped by their life experiences. Encourage discussions that explore these complexities rather than reducing individuals to simplistic labels.

8. Know when to end the conversation
Be aware that not every discussion will lead to a resolution. Focus on shared values and experiences.

Good luck, bon appetite and Merry Christmas!